1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,659
What do I do when I'm alone

2
00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:10,300
with only dreams?

3
00:00:50,971 --> 00:00:57,959
Too rag, I bought these off. I might
need one when I rearrange the contents

4
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,859
his face.

5
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,980
I tell you, if these are a size 14, I am
Jerry Hall.

6
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,520
If you're a size 14, then I'm Jerry
Hall.

7
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,520
What are you doing on the floor?

8
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,110
Haven't you ever had to lie down on the
floor to do up your flies?

9
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,050
I never had any difficulty getting into
a pair of jeans.

10
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,090
Not even your own?

11
00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:25,150
Actually, I've come about tonight.

12
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:28,789
What are you going to wear, Dore? Do you
want to go to JJ's straight away or

13
00:01:28,790 --> 00:01:30,350
open a wine box back here first?

14
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:34,589
I'll tell you something, Dore. I have
every intention of getting seriously rat

15
00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:35,469
-arsed tonight.

16
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,520
I can't come.

17
00:01:37,610 --> 00:01:38,660
Eh?

18
00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:41,860
We've been planning to check out this
wine bar for weeks.

19
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:45,080
Ever since Sue said it was wall -to
-wall Chippendales.

20
00:01:46,490 --> 00:01:47,590
Was it Chipmunks?

21
00:01:47,591 --> 00:01:51,809
Mind you, the state of my sex life,
anything would do.

22
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:53,950
Yes, well, something's come up.

23
00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:57,380
Well, some of it will come up tonight if
we play our cards right.

24
00:01:59,190 --> 00:02:00,950
Oh, go on, tell me then.

25
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:03,940
Luke's back.

26
00:02:04,690 --> 00:02:07,110
Oh, Sharon, I am so happy.

27
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:11,649
Luke's chucked that brainless bimbette
Kelly and he wants us to try again and

28
00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:12,700
I've said yes.

29
00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:13,920
Who wouldn't?

30
00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:17,560
Your Luke's got a better packed lunch
than any of them Chippendales.

31
00:02:19,550 --> 00:02:20,810
body I want back.

32
00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:22,810
Well, all right, then.

33
00:02:22,830 --> 00:02:25,360
You have his stamp collection, I'll have
his body.

34
00:02:25,790 --> 00:02:30,750
It's his honesty, his sense of humour,
his simple, caring love.

35
00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:35,420
Oh, all right, and the way he looks in a
pair of ripped 501s.

36
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:39,700
Well, you can tell him I'm just about to
burst out of these if he wants them.

37
00:02:45,270 --> 00:02:46,770
She's been to visit Daryl.

38
00:02:46,771 --> 00:02:50,639
We've got this special code when he
wants to talk intimate, you know, and

39
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:51,720
screws are listening.

40
00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:55,840
This afternoon he said his vegetable
patch was coming along nicely.

41
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:02,450
That's disgusting.

42
00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:06,620
So, what are you two been up for?

43
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,580
I picked up your dry cleaning.

44
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:11,770
I've done beef burgers for tea. And
Dorian's back with Luke.

45
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,410
You're kidding.

46
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,260
I like beef burgers.

47
00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:18,580
He phoned yesterday afternoon.

48
00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:20,020
We met yesterday evening.

49
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:23,230
And we finally got round to talking at 4
.30 this morning.

50
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:24,690
What about Marcus?

51
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:27,810
Sorry? You know, the bloke that pays
your mortgage.

52
00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:31,160
Must have seen him. Good suit. Drives a
Jag.

53
00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:37,199
Marcus is in Turin on business. So I'm
moving in with Luke on a sort of trial

54
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,250
basis.

55
00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:40,520
Oh, God, I feel marvellous.

56
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,520
This is the first day of the rest of my
life.

57
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:48,230
Well, I can't hang around here gripping
though your sad and empty lives are.

58
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:51,210
I've got a 24 -year -old hunk to
worship.

59
00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:53,470
Here's where you can reach me.

60
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:54,700
Emergencies only.

61
00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:55,890
Enjoy your beef burger.

62
00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:17,320
Oh, can you walk then, shall?

63
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:19,519
Yes, Trace. Yeah, you look nice.

64
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,838
I've got a blue silk shirt, just like
that one.

65
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:22,979
Small world, isn't it?

66
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:26,279
Yeah. How come she's getting all dressed
up to go and visit Chris? He normally

67
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,139
pulls something out of the bottom of the
laundry basket.

68
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,679
That was when he was just my husband.

69
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,120
He's my business partner now.

70
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,270
You're going soft, girl. Remember how he
treated you? The lies, the other women,

71
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:38,150
the way he used to pick his toenails
with a bread knife?

72
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,520
Oh, Walter under the bridge, Trace.

73
00:04:42,050 --> 00:04:43,610
I'm in Chigwell. He's inside.

74
00:04:43,611 --> 00:04:46,269
Well, what about that dream you're
always having, where he's got his bum

75
00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:47,890
on a carsey full of piranha fish?

76
00:04:47,891 --> 00:04:51,969
You weren't due the last time I had it.
Those only guppies.

77
00:04:51,970 --> 00:04:55,150
Once a scumbag, always a scumbag. But
it's your life, Shell.

78
00:04:55,570 --> 00:04:57,230
And it's my scumbag, Trace.

79
00:04:57,890 --> 00:04:59,750
So what are you doing this afternoon?

80
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:03,000
Well, I was going to visit Doreen, so I
remember she'd moved.

81
00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:04,130
It's funny, isn't it?

82
00:05:04,131 --> 00:05:07,689
Three years of her bursting in uninvited
and taking the mickey out of us because

83
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:08,740
we're common.

84
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:11,939
Telling her that she passed the time
when she was stuck in a lift with lute

85
00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:12,990
tan, second eleven.

86
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,780
I miss her now she's at Luke's.

87
00:05:16,260 --> 00:05:17,860
And you reckon I'm going soft?

88
00:05:17,861 --> 00:05:18,959
Well, don't you?

89
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,010
Miss her, I mean.

90
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:21,820
Of course not, you lemon.

91
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:27,260
I want some love, that's true.

92
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,490
And the council were digging up the I
Street last week. Oh, yeah? Again.

93
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,950
So we had all the nabbies in, stoking up
on greaseburgers.

94
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:39,599
I reckon we cleared at least an extra 80
quid. You really got this careful

95
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,919
exercise, don't you, Cheryl?

96
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,220
The Anita Roddick of the fried slice,
me.

97
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,660
And you're looking smashing today.

98
00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:50,079
Usually, you look like you've pulled
something from the bottom of the laundry

99
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,130
basket.

100
00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:53,780
Yeah, well, I've mellowed.

101
00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:55,660
Mellowed? That's the word.

102
00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:59,359
Plus, you know what I realised on the
way down here, Chris?

103
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,840
I don't fancy you no more.

104
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:02,230
Oh, what?

105
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:03,510
Is it the gear?

106
00:06:03,790 --> 00:06:07,700
I'm afraid Giorgio Armani didn't have
much creative input on this little lot.

107
00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:09,220
No, it ain't the gear.

108
00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:12,930
Hey, I bet you don't remember what I was
wearing the night we met.

109
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:18,729
White trousers, black shirt and under
appendix scarf. Yeah, all right, keep

110
00:06:18,730 --> 00:06:22,649
voice down. And a dirty great medallion
that you probably found inside a box of

111
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,420
cornflakes. Yeah, did the trick though,
didn't it, eh?

112
00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:30,109
Yeah, because by the end of the night,
you was down to a pair of underpants

113
00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:32,400
they could have featured on Wildlife
Online.

114
00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:35,040
Happy days.

115
00:06:36,010 --> 00:06:37,270
It's true, though, Chris.

116
00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:40,889
Before you got banged up, you led me a
dog's life because of all the dogs you

117
00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:41,909
were seeing.

118
00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:45,950
There was that Letha, Maureen, the bird
down the spud you like. Oh, Tricia.

119
00:06:46,630 --> 00:06:49,100
She always used to smell of sour cream
and chives.

120
00:06:50,130 --> 00:06:53,620
You gave me a terrible tongue -lashing
about it. Didn't half turn me on.

121
00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:56,650
I gave you Elle because I fancied you.

122
00:06:57,110 --> 00:06:58,550
But I don't fancy you no more.

123
00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:00,140
Fair enough.

124
00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:03,760
I must say, you take this terribly well,
Chris.

125
00:07:03,761 --> 00:07:08,599
A couple of years ago, you would have
seen it as a slur on your macho Greek

126
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,070
manhood. Yeah, well, perhaps we've both
changed.

127
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,260
I used to be a faultless git.

128
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,640
Yeah, all right, all right.

129
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:17,810
Maybe I still am.

130
00:07:17,811 --> 00:07:21,699
You used to be a slob and a tracksuit
with more rabbit than water shit down.

131
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,240
I mean, now look at you.

132
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:25,150
Butts? No, no, no.

133
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,580
Look at you.

134
00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:28,140
I mean, you've got style.

135
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:32,020
You know, you've got... What's that word
I read in Cosmo?

136
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:33,690
Thaddy? Yeah.

137
00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:34,820
You got savvy.

138
00:07:35,130 --> 00:07:37,870
Of course, you could still make that an
Olympic event.

139
00:07:39,510 --> 00:07:42,730
Look, Chris, when I fancied you, I hated
you.

140
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:46,270
Now that I fancy you, I really quite
like you.

141
00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:50,969
Yeah, well, we've got a history
together. You know, we've got business

142
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:57,550
mates. Which is why it's going to be a
lot easier telling you about Tina.

143
00:08:11,890 --> 00:08:13,510
This must be it. There's her motor.

144
00:08:17,310 --> 00:08:21,049
Six months of letters and she wants to
get hitched. I mean, have you seen

145
00:08:21,050 --> 00:08:22,190
Chris's handwriting?

146
00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:25,269
Well, if she's that sweet and innocent,
surely she'd be bothered about him being

147
00:08:25,270 --> 00:08:26,750
inside. Oh, no, no.

148
00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:29,120
She reckons she can help him go
straight.

149
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:31,330
He's about as straight as a rattlesnake.

150
00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:35,370
I tell you, Uncle Spyro's got a lot to
answer for fixing all this up.

151
00:08:40,761 --> 00:08:47,509
Tina's let the sheltered life in sight.
She must think that Chris is really

152
00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:48,770
exciting and mature.

153
00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:52,210
The only mature thing about Chris is his
socks.

154
00:08:54,090 --> 00:08:55,950
Not exactly sad folk, is it?

155
00:08:56,750 --> 00:08:59,670
I doubt if Dorian's been vertical long
enough to notice.

156
00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:03,210
I'm warning you, Trace.

157
00:09:03,670 --> 00:09:08,069
If she's all lovey -dovey about Luke and
how happy she is and everything, I

158
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:10,780
might just shove those flowers right up
her loveness.

159
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,020
Help yourself to cake.

160
00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:25,920
Sorry they're so frightful, but what can
you expect in Walthamstow?

161
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:33,140
Honestly, that kitchen is full of tinned
meat pies and not a bath to be found.

162
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:38,960
Well, what do you think?

163
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,580
Must be very handy for the tube.

164
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,820
Tis a bit of a bachelor pad, isn't it?

165
00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:49,100
Anyway, it doesn't matter what we think.
Are you happy?

166
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,640
Blissful.

167
00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:54,820
He called in sick three days running
because I wouldn't let him out of bed.

168
00:09:56,810 --> 00:09:59,870
We were like a honeymoon couple from the
moment I arrived.

169
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:05,350
Take no notice of her. She's got the
hump.

170
00:10:05,810 --> 00:10:07,230
I have not got the hump.

171
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:10,869
I mean, why should I care that my
husband's dumped me for a young bit of

172
00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:12,070
blacarver called Tina?

173
00:10:12,650 --> 00:10:14,090
Chris has dumped you?

174
00:10:16,561 --> 00:10:18,469
I never.

175
00:10:18,470 --> 00:10:22,229
Don't start her off again. I've had 24
hours of this. You know what really

176
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:22,989
me sick?

177
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,129
I'm the one that should be meeting
someone new.

178
00:10:25,130 --> 00:10:29,090
I'm the one going to clubs and discos
while he's banged up at Her Majesty's,

179
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:33,020
sharing his sleeping quarters with a
flatulent dope dealer in a chamber pot.

180
00:10:33,730 --> 00:10:35,960
Does this Tina know that Chris is a
villain?

181
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:37,120
Of course she does.

182
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:42,010
But she reckons she can mend his ways
with the influence of a good woman.

183
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,390
As if I'm Lucretia Bulger or something.

184
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:48,409
Well, I think you should use this
rejection constructively. Yes, you've

185
00:10:48,410 --> 00:10:51,589
cafe, you've got money for the first
time in your life. You don't need a

186
00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:53,030
like Chris holding your back.

187
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:54,970
But it still hurts, Trace.

188
00:10:55,410 --> 00:10:58,410
I mean, I know we weren't exactly Bogart
and Bacall.

189
00:10:58,970 --> 00:11:00,310
Laura Linardi more like.

190
00:11:01,470 --> 00:11:04,570
But nobody likes a size 8 boot up their
bum, do they?

191
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:11,890
Is that my big bunny?

192
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,800
Yes, so do I. Why don't you tell them
your tummy bug's back?

193
00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:23,040
Only Sharon and Tracy, but they're about
to leave.

194
00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:25,060
20 minutes.

195
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,910
Make it 19, but don't go through any red
lights.

196
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:29,820
Love you.

197
00:11:30,630 --> 00:11:31,680
Now you say it.

198
00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:35,470
Go on. Now, I don't care how many
customers are in the shop.

199
00:11:36,490 --> 00:11:39,190
Go on, bunny -wunny. Say it to your
darling.

200
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:53,190
That was Luke.

201
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,780
I guess it wasn't Marcus.

202
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,000
Me and your Marcus got a lot in common,
Dore.

203
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,319
Both been dumped for a bit of fluff too
young to remember Alvin Stardust. Oh,

204
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,740
dump is such an ugly word, Sharon.

205
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:10,290
Marcus and I will come to an amicable
agreement when he gets back from Turin.

206
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,090
Are you going to leave him? It seems as
if I already have.

207
00:12:13,091 --> 00:12:15,239
Don't waste your sympathy on him, Tracy.

208
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,770
He cares more for Norman Lamont than he
does for me.

209
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,660
You're wrong, Dore.

210
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,560
I bet he's going to be really hurt, just
like I've been.

211
00:12:23,561 --> 00:12:26,739
Well, I feel for you, Sharon, I really
do, but could we discuss this some other

212
00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:30,600
time? Luke will be here in, oh, 17
minutes.

213
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:34,200
I might just have time to touch up my
blusher.

214
00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:36,800
And it was terrific seeing you too, Dor.

215
00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:40,740
Different address, same old Dorian.

216
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,840
I hope you ain't scoffing at chicken.

217
00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:50,650
Save it for a curry.

218
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,240
Go on, then. I'll have a sandwich with
you.

219
00:12:56,870 --> 00:12:59,940
What's the matter, Cheryl? You look like
you've seen a ghost.

220
00:12:59,941 --> 00:13:04,089
I got the business suit with the padded
shoulders to see the bank manager,

221
00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:05,069
right?

222
00:13:05,070 --> 00:13:06,430
I got the books kosher.

223
00:13:06,770 --> 00:13:07,970
I got the drains sorted.

224
00:13:08,230 --> 00:13:09,280
Yeah, I know that.

225
00:13:09,650 --> 00:13:10,830
But I forgot one thing.

226
00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:12,690
You don't suit padded shoulders.

227
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:15,430
Why could I have been such a plank?

228
00:13:15,930 --> 00:13:16,980
What have you done?

229
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:20,450
It's not the deliberate mistake.

230
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:24,890
It's the contract splitting the calf 50
-50. So?

231
00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:29,970
I had the contract drawn up, but I never
got round to having Chris sign it.

232
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:32,390
The calf's all his, Trace.

233
00:13:32,950 --> 00:13:35,660
I'd have a fight on me and just rolled
on to a tin opener.

234
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:37,870
Can't you get him to sign it now?

235
00:13:37,871 --> 00:13:39,309
Oh, yeah.

236
00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:41,930
He's bound to sign away his trump cards
with Tina.

237
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:45,880
A nice little earner that'll keep him in
Dosh and out of Chokey.

238
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:47,460
You're right, Shell.

239
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:48,950
You are a plank.

240
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,670
I'm not just losing my husband. I'm
losing me livelihood and all.

241
00:13:54,540 --> 00:13:56,080
Just as I was making a go of it.

242
00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:59,739
Well, you can't give up that easy.
You've got to fight for it. I haven't

243
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:00,790
in me, Trace.

244
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,860
No, the calf was just God's little joke.

245
00:14:03,861 --> 00:14:05,539
Here you are, Sharon.

246
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,590
Get good at Samick.

247
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,120
Then I'll tell you what.

248
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,740
I'll take it away from you. Don't blame
God.

249
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:13,880
It's Chris you've got to sort out.

250
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:15,670
Yeah, but how?

251
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:19,540
Well, you know his family blamed you for
not having kids?

252
00:14:19,541 --> 00:14:21,929
Yeah, they reckoned it was my wiring
that was faulty.

253
00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:23,370
Well, it weren't you, was it?

254
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:24,540
Well, we know that.

255
00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:26,210
Chris was the one firing blanks.

256
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:31,989
I bet this Tina's dying to have kiddies.
You know how them Greeks like big

257
00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:35,809
families? What if she was to find out
that the bloke she's marrying ain't got

258
00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:37,130
enough lead in his pencil?

259
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:40,780
Tell her, you mean.

260
00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:41,629
No, shall.

261
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,680
Have Simon Bates announce it on our
turn.

262
00:14:43,870 --> 00:14:44,920
Of course, tell her.

263
00:14:46,589 --> 00:14:47,830
I couldn't. Why not?

264
00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:51,740
Think of all the rotten things he's done
to you. The lies, the affairs.

265
00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:53,630
The toenails and the bread knife.

266
00:14:53,990 --> 00:14:55,130
So what do you owe him?

267
00:14:56,290 --> 00:14:57,390
I can't, Trace.

268
00:14:57,990 --> 00:15:00,230
I'd be betraying both of us if I told
Tina.

269
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,450
Well, I think you're mad.

270
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:04,790
Yeah, maybe I am.

271
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:08,260
But I ain't going to be the one that
screws up his future.

272
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:09,850
He can do that all by himself.

273
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,770
inside a laundrette.

274
00:15:24,771 --> 00:15:27,419
Someone was sleeping there, for heaven's
sake. Yeah, I know what a laundrette

275
00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:29,799
is. And the machine takes all your small
change, and then what happens?

276
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,830
Your clothes get covered in thousands of
pieces of someone else's used Kleenex.

277
00:15:33,831 --> 00:15:37,219
I fully intend to write to my MP about
it. Well, can't you get Luke to buy a

278
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,079
washing machine?

279
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,400
He's saving for a Nautilus.

280
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:41,920
Well, you buy one, then. I couldn't.

281
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:43,960
Luke has his pride, you know.

282
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:48,330
Oh, I'm sorry, Tracy. You've just caught
me at an awkward time.

283
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:52,310
Sharon's got that Tina coming round. I
don't want to be an accessory to murder.

284
00:15:52,311 --> 00:15:55,809
Here, I haven't interrupted you and Luke
in the middle of one of these tummy

285
00:15:55,810 --> 00:15:56,860
bugs, have I?

286
00:15:57,950 --> 00:16:00,600
You've interrupted me in the middle of
the cleaning.

287
00:16:02,781 --> 00:16:10,289
Three pairs of marigolds ripped to
shreds and I haven't even started on the

288
00:16:10,290 --> 00:16:11,340
bathroom yet.

289
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:14,200
Does one really have to touch the toilet
bowl?

290
00:16:14,330 --> 00:16:16,230
I've never seen you clean before.

291
00:16:16,231 --> 00:16:19,489
Oh, nicely put, Tracy. Well, of course
you haven't. I paid someone else to do

292
00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:20,349
it.

293
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:21,400
Wonderful, missus.

294
00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:25,329
Well, get her to do it, then. Oh, don't
be ridiculous. She lives way out in...

295
00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:28,910
Anyway, I won't be defeated by a
scrubbing brush.

296
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:33,580
Although I have waved the white flag at
that particular pile of rust.

297
00:16:33,581 --> 00:16:37,289
I thought vacuum cleaners were supposed
to suck dust up.

298
00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:39,369
Well, why don't you both move somewhere
nicer?

299
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:40,610
You can afford it.

300
00:16:41,510 --> 00:16:43,730
Oh, I forgot that Luke's got his pride.

301
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,950
He's a very independent young man.

302
00:16:46,951 --> 00:16:50,879
Only chance of a cuppa? Oh, would you,
Tracy, but you'll have to wash up the

303
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:51,930
mugs first.

304
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,580
Plus this one that I found under the
sofa.

305
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:59,140
I suspect Alexander Fleming discovered
penicillin in it.

306
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,520
You see, it's the sex as well.

307
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,850
Hang on.

308
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:11,419
I mean, when you have to meet in motels,
or do it on flat packs in his

309
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:14,160
stockroom, well, it adds a certain
frisson.

310
00:17:14,161 --> 00:17:18,098
I mean, when Marcus thinks you're having
your legs whacked. but you're really

311
00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:20,019
indulging in a spot of illicit passion.

312
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,050
Well, it gives you something to look
forward to, something to live for.

313
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:31,359
When you've got it on tap, when the
sheets are brushed nylon, when he plays

314
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:36,939
Guns and Roses at three in the morning,
when you could grow mustard and crepe on

315
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:37,990
his face flannel.

316
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:40,980
It's not what you expected, is it?

317
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:44,290
Sorry, darling, I was filling the
kettle. You were saying?

318
00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:48,579
I was just saying we're out. of tea
bags, but there's some instant coffee in

319
00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:50,930
cupboard with the pinup of Julia Roberts
on it.

320
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,960
All right, all right. Here we go.

321
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:06,060
Sharon Theodore Bolobodos, please.

322
00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:07,270
And you are?

323
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,480
Tina Constantino.

324
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:10,020
She'll know why I'm here.

325
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,220
Yes, ma 'am. This way, ma 'am.

326
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:25,950
Well? Very nice.

327
00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:31,909
Look, I'm in rather a hurry. Could you
just tell Mrs. Theodore Belobedos I'm

328
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,110
here? She knows.

329
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:35,300
Of course.

330
00:18:35,890 --> 00:18:38,360
Chris said in his letters that you'd
gone to seed.

331
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:45,510
And he told me you were as innocent as
an angel's armpit.

332
00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:47,430
But then he always did talk crap.

333
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:50,570
You're taking this badly.

334
00:18:51,010 --> 00:18:52,060
That's a shame.

335
00:18:52,810 --> 00:18:53,860
What do you expect?

336
00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:57,470
You're getting your mitts on a major
chunk of my life.

337
00:18:57,710 --> 00:19:00,090
Chris! Oh, excuse me while I wet myself.

338
00:19:01,730 --> 00:19:02,780
The calf.

339
00:19:02,990 --> 00:19:05,270
That is why I have come here. For the
kiss.

340
00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:06,950
I can't wait to see it.

341
00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:08,530
It's only a calf.

342
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,450
It's only a calf.

343
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,090
The sooner I take it off your hands, the
better.

344
00:19:13,590 --> 00:19:14,640
You what?

345
00:19:14,641 --> 00:19:18,269
Chris will be in jail for at least
another five years, won't he?

346
00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:22,150
That gives me plenty of time to make my
mark on it before he gets out.

347
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:26,710
Alexis Colby, your role model by any
chance? Yes, but I am more ambitious.

348
00:19:27,190 --> 00:19:31,229
Why should I wait a first -class
business degree on my father's pathetic

349
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:35,530
bar in Limassol when I could be building
up a nice little business in London?

350
00:19:35,531 --> 00:19:39,769
I just hope you weren't intending to
leave it to descendants.

351
00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:40,820
I'm sorry?

352
00:19:40,830 --> 00:19:42,550
Nothing. Keys, please.

353
00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:44,870
I said...

354
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,530
I hope you weren't planning to start a
family.

355
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,380
Chris can't oblige.

356
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:50,750
He's impotent?

357
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,020
Well, let's put it this way.

358
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,470
If he was a bunch of grapes, he'd be
seedless.

359
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,180
But you've got to give him ease for
effort, Blessing.

360
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,319
So I'm afraid your mum and dad won't be
deafened by the patter of tiny

361
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,600
Theodopalopidas. Great.

362
00:20:10,341 --> 00:20:12,719
What do you mean, great?

363
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,980
I thought you'd be gutted.

364
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:18,560
I am the oldest of seven. I think all
children should be strangled at birth.

365
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,880
Now, can I have the keys, please?

366
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:39,910
Come on, shall.

367
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,130
This ain't like you.

368
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,290
Good.

369
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,760
For as long as I can remember I've been
like me.

370
00:20:44,761 --> 00:20:48,779
Well, I feel like not being like me for
a change, all right. But you've got to

371
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:49,830
think positive.

372
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:53,419
According to this article I was reading
in the hairdressers, if your world

373
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,859
starts falling apart, you've got to look
for a light at the end of the tunnel.

374
00:20:56,860 --> 00:20:58,760
It's just an oncoming train trace.

375
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,520
I love that, Cass.

376
00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:04,210
I know you do, but you've got to think
positive.

377
00:21:04,211 --> 00:21:06,999
Think of all the things that you learnt
there that you could use in some other

378
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,070
job. Reasons to be cheerful.

379
00:21:09,290 --> 00:21:10,370
One, two, three.

380
00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:13,060
Go on. You shout them out and I'll write
them down.

381
00:21:14,970 --> 00:21:16,020
Right.

382
00:21:17,070 --> 00:21:19,480
I've learnt that a prick's dosage never
splits.

383
00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:22,470
Well, there you go.

384
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:27,110
That's better than a few doors for me in
the upper echelons of high finance.

385
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,020
You ain't trying, are you? No, but I
know a girl who is.

386
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:35,089
I expect you're just jealous because of
her beauty and brains and intelligence

387
00:21:35,090 --> 00:21:36,140
and that.

388
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:41,830
supposed to be cheering me up. I give
up. Go on, just wallow in it.

389
00:21:42,030 --> 00:21:43,080
Yeah, that's right.

390
00:21:43,190 --> 00:21:44,240
Why shouldn't I?

391
00:21:44,241 --> 00:21:47,729
Because, shall we, ain't the end of the
world. You've still got me and a roof

392
00:21:47,730 --> 00:21:48,780
over your head.

393
00:21:48,790 --> 00:21:50,670
Yeah, but it's your roof, isn't it?

394
00:21:51,450 --> 00:21:54,520
Without the calf, I'll never be able to
afford a roof of my own.

395
00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:56,490
Or a house to go under it, even.

396
00:21:58,630 --> 00:22:03,609
I suppose I could always marry Marcus,
become the second Mrs. Green after he

397
00:22:03,610 --> 00:22:04,660
divorces Dorian.

398
00:22:04,850 --> 00:22:05,900
You could do worse.

399
00:22:06,630 --> 00:22:07,730
I did do worse.

400
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:09,300
And he's dumping me.

401
00:22:13,470 --> 00:22:15,190
Two visits in ten days, Sharon.

402
00:22:15,191 --> 00:22:17,789
Shall I write to the Guinness Book of
Records?

403
00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:20,529
Better make the most of it. I don't see
myself coming again.

404
00:22:20,530 --> 00:22:21,580
Come again?

405
00:22:21,850 --> 00:22:22,900
Come again.

406
00:22:23,670 --> 00:22:25,410
Sorry, Sharon, just my little joke.

407
00:22:25,730 --> 00:22:26,990
And what were you saying?

408
00:22:27,170 --> 00:22:30,370
I was saying that you and Tina have got
my blessing.

409
00:22:30,830 --> 00:22:31,880
She's all yours.

410
00:22:31,881 --> 00:22:33,789
You mean you're going to divorce me?

411
00:22:33,790 --> 00:22:35,960
Unless you want to get banged up for
bigamy.

412
00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:37,280
Look, Chris.

413
00:22:37,281 --> 00:22:40,649
If you want to get hitched to a jumped
-up, pushy little cow that's got pan

414
00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:43,449
signs where her eyeballs should be,
you're welcome to her.

415
00:22:43,450 --> 00:22:44,500
You met her, then?

416
00:22:44,610 --> 00:22:45,660
I had that pleasure.

417
00:22:45,661 --> 00:22:48,889
But then you always did say you wanted
to get your end away with Margaret

418
00:22:48,890 --> 00:22:52,469
Thatcher. I can't believe you're washing
your hands of me without a fight,

419
00:22:52,470 --> 00:22:55,750
Sharon. Chris, we did all our fighting
when we was married.

420
00:22:55,751 --> 00:22:59,349
Now it's Tina's turn to smack you on
when you're out of order.

421
00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:00,570
Tina. Yeah.

422
00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:05,350
So... When's the big day, then? What do
you want for a wedding present?

423
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,810
Isn't hers chamber pots?

424
00:23:06,890 --> 00:23:10,630
But, Cheryl, me and Tina, it's all off.

425
00:23:12,610 --> 00:23:13,660
It's faith, I mean.

426
00:23:14,570 --> 00:23:15,620
I don't understand.

427
00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:18,070
Look, I've got to thinking.

428
00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:21,230
I can't just dump you like that. It
ain't right.

429
00:23:21,990 --> 00:23:27,309
I mean, I know we've had our ups and
downs, you know, our highs and lows, but

430
00:23:27,310 --> 00:23:29,110
did have some good times, didn't we?

431
00:23:29,230 --> 00:23:30,280
Didn't we, Cheryl?

432
00:23:30,980 --> 00:23:32,420
When there was a K in the month.

433
00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:37,879
Look, I know you and me might not make a
go of it when I get out, but we've got

434
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,680
a much better chance than me and Tina.

435
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:42,580
What do you say, Shell?

436
00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:46,710
Are you sure it's over between you and
her?

437
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:49,320
Believe me, it's over.

438
00:23:49,321 --> 00:23:52,699
Well, will you sign this contract, then?

439
00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:54,500
We've been in to chat to you for weeks.

440
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,660
Oh, 50 -50, straight down the middle.

441
00:23:59,450 --> 00:24:01,010
That's what mates are all about.

442
00:24:04,141 --> 00:24:05,689
Any

443
00:24:05,690 --> 00:24:12,469
time

444
00:24:12,470 --> 00:24:14,210
before your parole comes up, Chris.

445
00:24:19,650 --> 00:24:20,950
Now... Cheers.

446
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,000
How's Tina taking the bad news?

447
00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:31,499
Threatening to top herself, I expect.

448
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:34,100
She'll get over it. Greedy, ungrateful
little cow.

449
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,970
Tell me about it. I mean, what did she
expect, a bleeding Savoy?

450
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,300
Hang on, hang on.

451
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:47,600
This tragic break -up, it wouldn't have
anything to do with a calf, would it?

452
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:49,190
What do you mean?

453
00:24:49,191 --> 00:24:53,059
Only she had the right aunt when she
brought back the keys.

454
00:24:53,060 --> 00:24:54,980
Said she thought the place was a dosser.

455
00:24:57,399 --> 00:24:58,800
She dumped you.

456
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,980
Because you lied to her about the calf.

457
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,580
What did you tell her, Chris, eh?

458
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,310
That it was North London's premier
restaurant?

459
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,739
That it had Irish table linen, soft bog
roll and a queue round the block? Look,

460
00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:16,759
I may have elaborated a little because I
thought I was dealing with an innocent

461
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:17,759
young girl.

462
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,459
I mean, how was I supposed to know I was
corresponding with the Iron Lady of

463
00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:21,510
Limithole?

464
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,860
And that's why she dumped you?

465
00:25:25,060 --> 00:25:26,110
Yeah, of course.

466
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,619
Once she met yours truly, she decided
she'd rather stay in Cyprus than marry a

467
00:25:30,620 --> 00:25:33,090
dishonest, disgusting, ignorant loser
like me.

468
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,160
I ain't, am I, Shell?

469
00:25:35,780 --> 00:25:37,300
Of course you are, you prat.

470
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,420
I have got my cat back.

471
00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:43,180
I have got my cat back.

472
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:48,300
I have got my cat back.

473
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:49,800
I have got my cat back.

474
00:25:54,990 --> 00:25:57,040
I can't find my blue silk shirt
anywhere.

475
00:25:57,041 --> 00:25:59,089
You don't think the bottom of the
laundry basket?

476
00:25:59,090 --> 00:26:00,250
You're so happy.

477
00:26:00,470 --> 00:26:05,149
Your Chris has just put you through a
week of hell. Because, Trace, I have got

478
00:26:05,150 --> 00:26:06,200
my cash back.

479
00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:08,090
He's still a scumbag.

480
00:26:08,370 --> 00:26:11,390
Chris is still a scumbag. Chris is still
a scumbag.

481
00:26:11,930 --> 00:26:16,829
So, are you ready to celebrate my return
to the world of profit and loss, debit

482
00:26:16,830 --> 00:26:18,330
and credit, sausage and mash?

483
00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:20,690
I don't like the sound of this wine bar.

484
00:26:21,010 --> 00:26:22,290
Sue recommended it.

485
00:26:22,490 --> 00:26:23,540
Exactly.

486
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,240
Oh, I won't try. It'll be my treat.

487
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,710
All right, but I ain't getting up to
nothing.

488
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:29,970
Dorian!

489
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,990
I don't suppose you have a pint of
skimmed milk to spare?

490
00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:34,940
What are you doing here?

491
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,280
Trying to make a medicinal cup of tea.

492
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,890
The glass of wine will more than
suffice.

493
00:26:41,331 --> 00:26:43,179
I'm back.

494
00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:44,230
All right?

495
00:26:44,231 --> 00:26:49,279
I'm going to tell you why once, and then
I'm never going to talk about it again,

496
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,330
and neither are you.

497
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:51,690
Promise?

498
00:26:53,290 --> 00:26:54,340
Promise. Okay.

499
00:26:59,230 --> 00:27:00,280
One.

500
00:27:00,590 --> 00:27:04,140
Designer fingernails and housework are
not a marriage made in heaven.

501
00:27:04,670 --> 00:27:06,650
Two. The flat was too sleazy.

502
00:27:07,410 --> 00:27:10,050
Three. The sex was not sleazy enough.

503
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:12,680
And four.

504
00:27:12,681 --> 00:27:17,249
Marcus has been stuck in Turin because
of an air traffic controller strike, so

505
00:27:17,250 --> 00:27:18,750
he doesn't even know I was gone.

506
00:27:19,570 --> 00:27:20,620
And now I'm back.

507
00:27:22,650 --> 00:27:23,910
So go on, make fun of me.

508
00:27:24,930 --> 00:27:26,010
Say I told you so.

509
00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:29,890
Call me a sad, spoiled, pathetic old
tart.

510
00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:37,650
You're a sad, spoiled... We're going to
JJ's.

511
00:27:38,550 --> 00:27:40,590
Wall -to -wall Chippendales, remember?

512
00:27:40,890 --> 00:27:42,390
She's probably not in the mood.

513
00:27:42,590 --> 00:27:43,640
Adol.

514
00:27:44,910 --> 00:27:47,290
Just give me two minutes to touch up my
blusher.

515
00:27:55,950 --> 00:28:01,949
What will I do when you are far

516
00:28:01,950 --> 00:28:07,450
away and I am blue?

517
00:28:07,790 --> 00:28:13,469
What will I do when I'm alone

518
00:28:13,470 --> 00:28:17,170
with only dreams?

519
00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:21,770
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